Wanting a quick weight loss fix!
overweight & obese (that's what my BMI says!)
If I am truly honest this is all I really want, a quick weight loss fix. Having spent the last 5 years trying to lose the three and a half stone I have put on since hitting forty for me the weight loss struggle is real. Yes, partly it is aesthetic – I look and feel good in a size eight. But I also know my health will be suffering. My snoring has increased and gotten louder and I seem to breathe heavier during the day doing just normal activities. From the outside, I was smiling - but inside I was miserable, miserable, miserable!
Now hitting a size 18 I dare not look in the mirror. At five foot and nearly three inches, I look round. Very round. My face looks like a gerbil I am convinced. I don't like looking at myself let alone taking a selfie, that's probably why there are not many photographs of me around this time. I don’t like going out – and when I do I kinda internally hiss at all those slim women. Filled with green envy at "slimmer women". All I keep thinking if I "lose the weight I will be happy". This is the key to my ultimate happiness - if only I can just nail this. What I really really want is a quick weight loss fix!
In fact social gatherings and going out for meals I try to now avoid. If I do venture out I am miserable, I pick fault in most things and tend to take it out on my partner. I wonder….. he fell in love with someone over 49 lbs lighter – (that’s around 22 bags of sugar). I wonder what he really thinks of being in bed with an extra 22 bags of sugar and me? That's me walking around with twenty-two bags of sugar. Imagine buying 22 bags of sugar and carrying it home from Waitrose? Or Tesco? Or Sainsbury's? - no wonder I don't feel so stable or elegant in heels anymore.
a lack of pride
That's another thing, since my weight gain I don't take much pride in my appearance anymore. It seems the joggers I have bought (from Primark as I refuse to spend any considerable amount of money on "bigger sizes") I seem intent to filling into so much I will be bursting at the seams soon. The plan that I will feel motivated to lose weight if I buy cheap joggers don't seem to be working. In fact, I am beginning to see the comfort in such items of clothing and seeing the value they offer in hiding my ever growing thighs.
I have tried!
The thing is I have tried so many diets, plans and fads. From Crossfit and regular sessions at the gym (just makes me want to eat more) to the Cambridge Diet (can't bear the hunger) to running (ended up damaging my Achilles - tripped over a cattle grid. I've tried even being mindful - and I can't even concentrate on that. Yes very painful!), I have been trying. Oh yes, and lots of quick weight loss fix galore I have tried. Obviously not hard enough I guess - as the weight is still there.. Then there are the cravings.
Oh my gosh - I am like a woman possessed. I scheme and plot like a professional secret agent. I pretend to nip to the loo during Scandi Noir dramas and make a dash instead for a Battenberg slice. Cramming it into my mouth so no one catches me. I can't seem to control them these cravings and no one seems to understand. "He," says "just don't eat it" whilst giving me a disapproving, you fat cow look. Of course, he denies giving me that "you fat cow" look - but of course, I know him better.
If ONLY it was that simple I try to defend myself bursting into tears. If only there was a magic wand, a magic pen that would make me slim! Now he just thinks I am being over dramatic and have no willpower when it comes to my weight loss efforts. I am fed up of now saying “when I lose weight” as I can now see out of the corner of my eye my partner and daughter do their unison" here we go again" eye roll. In fact, I have stopped saying "when I lose weight" out loud. His latest viewpoint is my weight gain is "the menopause" and "age" (I'm still only bloody forty-five) - and I should embrace it. I know he's only trying to help - but telling me I am doomed is not really helping. I think he's trying out a bit of reverse psychology on me. Even that's not working.
I know he doesn't mean it when he tells me I look "nice". Nice????? This is like waving a red flag to an already raging bull. Looking confused he has no idea why I deliberately slam the door and stomp off - sobbing. Yes, I am a nightmare to live with at the moment. I know.
A Self Induced Punishment
I refuse to buy bigger sizes in clothes and buy size 8 clothes that I will “one day fit into”. Instead, my wardrobe is limited to 3 pairs of old maternity jeans, a few baggy tops and cheap joggers from Primark. I don’t see the logic in investing in bigger sizes of clothes because I keep telling myself “I will get this weight off” and "I am not going to be here forever. This is just a blip". But this is now five years later - wearing threadbare joggers and although I keep telling myself "I will lose the weight" even I am beginning to lose hope.
Sometimes a small whispering voice in my ear tells me "go on just give in" - succumb to a lifetime of flat sliders, plus size Primark joggers, upper arms that are never revealed even in summer, hair scrapped back for days and just embrace those chubby gerbil cheeks. Just give in.
For a moment there's silence as I take it all in. I reflect. Then I let go - "no never!!!!!!!!!!!! never! ". A very big fat loud "NO!" I scream.
Deep down I know a quick weight loss fix is not the answer. I know this but have no idea why I still look for a quick weight loss fix!
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