I start off the day well - SkinnyJab injection administered. Bottles of water in my bag. I have a two-hour drive today which I always like as it gives me time to reflect on things whilst I drive.
my thoughts on my cravings
As I drive and reflect I realise oh my gosh - I am like a woman possessed. I scheme and plot like a professional secret agent. I pretend to nip to the loo during Scandi Noir dramas and make a dash instead for a Battenberg slice. Cramming it into my mouth so no one catches me. I can't seem to control them these cravings and no one seems to understand. "He," says "just don't eat it" whilst giving me a disapproving, you fat cow look. Of course, he denies giving me that "you fat cow" look - but of course, I know better. I am hoping this weight loss injection will help me with my crazings ( lol I like that .... as I feel I my cravings really do make me a little crazy). But also the more I reflect and think of my cravings the more so I crave. Wow, I never realised before this is what I do. Mind you just realising this is making me feel down in the dumps.
is weight loss that simple?
If ONLY it was that simple I have been known to burst into tears thinking about why can't I lose the weight. "He" just thinks I am being over dramatic and have no willpower when it comes to my weight loss efforts. I am fed up of now saying “when I lose weight” as I can now see out of the corner of my eye my partner and daughter do their unison" here we go again" eye roll. In fact, I have stopped saying "when I lose weight" out loud. His latest viewpoint is my weight gain is "the menopause" and "age" (I'm still only bloody forty-five) - and I should embrace it. I know he's only trying to help - but telling me I am doomed is not really helping. I think he's trying out a bit of reverse psychology on me. Even that's not working.
I know he doesn't mean it when he tells me I look "nice". Nice????? This is like waving a red flag to an already raging bull. Looking confused he has no idea why I deliberately slam the door and stomp off - sobbing. Yes, I am a nightmare to live with at the moment. I know.
I refuse to buy bigger sizes in clothes and buy size 8 clothes that I will “one day fit into”. Instead, my wardrobe is limited to 3 pairs of old maternity jeans, a few baggy tops and cheap joggers from Primark. I don’t see the logic in investing in bigger sizes of clothes because I keep telling myself “I will get this weight off” and "I am not going to be here forever. This is just a blip". But this is now five years later - wearing threadbare joggers and although I keep telling myself "I will lose the weight" even I am beginning to lose hope. I guess perhaps I am subtly punishing myself for not losing weight.
why don't I just give in?
Sometimes a small whispering voice in my ear tells me "go on just give in" - succumb to a lifetime of flat sliders, plus size Primark joggers, upper arms that are never revealed even in summer, hair scrapped back for days and just embrace those chubby gerbil cheeks. Just give in.
For a moment there's silence as I take it all in. I reflect. Then I let go - "no never!!!!!!!!!!!! never! ". A very big fat loud "NO!" I scream in the car to myself. OOppps hope no one saw me. Roll on Skinnyjab you are going to make me maybe not skinny but definately "slim".