Over a week later I wish the scales say "YES" - but they don't!
I was told by the doctor David that he would call me in a weeks time to see how I have been getting on. It's now been over a week now since I started with this weight loss medication and no one has rung. I feel really really embarrassed as everyone ... well O.K not the whole world but the newspapers and clinical trials have shown that it (Saxenda) does work and people do lose weight. I am looking at all these photographs of people that have lost weight using Skinny Jab and a week later I still haven't lost any weight. I weigh myself today and if I kinda tiptoe on the scales I am about half a kilogram lighter. But that is kinda kidding myself.
my reality ........
I haven't lost any weight. I've felt tired, sleepy in the afternoons on this medication. Feeling sleepy and tired makes me not want to go to the gym or exercise. Instead, I am getting a lot of work done by quietly sitting at my desk. But it's like I am not really moving. I feel gutted that the scales have not moved at all either. I know I should be combining exercise also but its like I am frozen - knowing what I should be doing (exercise and moving more) but not doing it (exercise and moving more). It's almost like this stubborn child inside me is sabotaging my efforts. Yes I know I must exercise but I'm not going to do it.
I send a message ....
to the SkinnyJab facebook page through messenger. Someone (not sure who) sends me a message assuring me that they will help me. Its Caroline Balazs herself from SkinnyJab. I speak to her on the phone "This isn't working" I cry like a spoilt child. "It's everyone else's fault except mine! Nothing works for me !!!!!".
She (Caroline) sounded genuine and kind and assured me that it will work and she will help me. She says she has helped many women just like me. After speaking to her - I feel embarrassed and confused. I don't contact Caroline again, I guess at that moment I don't quite believe I will achieve my weight loss goals. I think I have already given up.
My partner in fairness to him - tries not to gloat. He again comes up with the conclusion it is "my age" and possibly "the menopause" - I refrain from hurling abuse at him, the wanting to was definitely there.
When I feel sad ............
I eat. I eat junk food. I eat bad food in secret. Unhealthy food. In the car. In the bathroom. I will sneak out to scoff the food - crisps, cakes, biscuits .......... I don't even really taste it but what I do know is that it helps me fill this big empty whole of feeling sad, numb, empty. I don't know if part of it is the thrill of getting away with sneaking this food into my mouth.
Well, today was one of those days. After seeing the scales - still remaining the same as last week and speaking to Caroline herself I just felt "SAD". It was nothing Caroline had done - I just felt shit. I don't think there was anything or anyone could have said to get me out of this black hole. The underpinning upset which I was trying so desperately to ignore was the relationship I have with my mother. But the reality was as much as I tried to ignore it - it was always there gnawing away at my confidence and self-esteem.
So I ate and ate and ate. I blamed my fatness on making me unhappy (it was a lot safer than even considering blaming my mother!I sat in the car just staring into space, the radio on but not listening. Driving from one shop to another petrol station to another. The heater on full blast that my leg felt like it was burning. Then I even pulled up at a petrol station to empty out the car of the evidence. Chucking empty crisp packets and sandwich packets into the bin before I headed home!
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